What you heard is true, water is the new oil. Debate that around your little water cooler. A whole new species! Bees are dying? Switch to agave. As we speak, grizzlies are moving north and mating with the polar bears. Oh, polar bears are dying? Grizzly bears will handle it. Sustainable energy projects will cost the company way too much money. I mask my low self-esteem with corporate buzzwords like "vibrant", "robust", "core competency", "optics", "sustainability". You want to know how I tolerate this place? Here's a little secret: I don't like working here, I love it. You feel trapped? Alone? Powerless? Have your doctor write you another prescription. Thus, your cubicle takes away your community and privacy, zero dignity. At the same time, it deprives you the privacy of a real office. Even this cubicle was designed to break you down by separating you from your fellows. I want you in a depressed hell where you won't ask for anything. Parasites are survivors, and they will outlive most species in the impending mass extinction. What's that? I'm a parasite? Of course I am. I simply sit back, and wait for someone else to create something, then, I steal it. Which means I create nothing new, and I'm proud of it. They can't even protect their own intellectual property. It's been heaven corporate mergers, less government restrictions. So, how long have you been sitting there? Over ten years, and in that time, nothing has changed except you've gotten weaker, and I've gotten stronger. Didn't you get the memo? Here's a fun fact: memos are not created to inform the recipient. While in the original he was simply a Jerkass, the new speech goes on an Overly-Long Gag: There is also his speech in Whack Your Boss 2: Fantasy Edition.We'll give you some malarkey about setting the bar high, meeting goals, etc., but that's not the real reason. and that becomes your new quota, 20 projects per week. ![]() ( burps) I crunch some numbers, and if the figures show it's only humanly possible for one person to complete, say, 10 projects a week. I look at other companies similar to ours. I sit in my office my corner office, and I do some simple math. What's that you say? The quota's impossible to meet? Duh. You'll have to play catch up on the weekend, with no overtime pay of course. One third of Americans work for less than $8.50 an hour. ![]() There's twenty people waiting for your job. There's gonna be one flavor of ice cream, one brand of coffee, one car. And your insurance copays? Yeah, they're going up. We've got to cut back, it's the bottom line, you see. Did you get the memo about the paycut? 10% across the board. Oh - I'm gonna have to write you up again too. Your project has to be completely redone. It's come to my attention that you're not measuring up.
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